Have you ever noticed that feeling jealous is a very uncomfortable emotion? It affects your entire body down to the ends of your hair. If you indulge in a gossip fest with someone else about the person you’re jealous over, you feel even worse.
Image: Maggie Smith / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
The Buddha provided us with a doable, and easy solution for envy. It’s part of the “Four Immeasurables”: Love, Compassion, Joy, and Equanimity (composure). I guess that means that there is simply no measure of worth that you can ascribe to these four emotions. Here they are (out of order so I can talk about sympathetic joy last).
Love is defined in Buddhism as wanting other people to be happy. Love is unconditional. The enemy of love is conditional love—you want something back. The opposite of love is wanting others to suffer and be unhappy. That is anger and hatred, emotions all humans struggle with.
The definition of compassion is wanting others to be free from suffering. You want to help. The enemy of compassion is pity, which puts others down as lower or less than yourself, and dulls the impulse to help the other person.
Equanimity refers to having an even temper even if something or someone totally annoys you. You don’t distinguish between a friend, an enemy, or a stranger. Your state of mind is tranquil regardless of what is happening around you. Your head is not full of agitation. The enemy of equanimity is indifference. You don’t give a damn about anyone or anything, maybe even yourself. Indifference is a form or egotism. The opposite of equanimity is anxiety, stress, worry, and paranoia.
Sympathetic joy is being happy with someone else’s good fortune or happiness. The enemy of sympathetic joy is hypocrisy and affectation. And the opposite of sympathetic joy is jealousy and envy. I think that sympathetic joy is a really good place to start to get a grasp on the Four Immeasurables because it’s an emotion you can apply in a conscious manner. When you do, you recognize immediately the different impact of sympathetic joy and envy.
I’ll give you two examples of employing sympathetic joy in my own experience. I was practicing yoga with a woman who just started out (and I have been practicing for 12 years). There were many poses that she could do much better than I could—or probably ever can. It was really starting to annoy me. But then I thought of sympathetic joy for her. I told her, “You have real aptitude for yoga and your form is really beautiful.” I immediately felt better and actually felt joy for her.
Recently there have been two authors who have ripped up the bestseller charts with their books. They both had two books out, the first ones major bestsellers and then follow ups intended to capitalize on their tidal wave success. The first author’s first book I thought was one of the most enjoyable reads I’d experienced in years. I found her follow up book to be a dud, but it was selling briskly and getting rave reviews. The second author’s first book I found to be self-indulgent and self-congratulatory. I wouldn’t even buy her second book, and it galled me to see it reviewed by all the major players and to see her face plastered everywhere.
The envy didn’t feel good. So I started thinking about these authors as real people with dreams. They had worked hard and deserved to bask in their success. Both are worthy writers who will go on to contribute to the literary world. I started thinking positive thoughts about them, and the ugly envy dissipated. That is the power of sympathetic joy. And we all need to employ it daily even if just to creates a little joy in our own world.
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ENVY IS NOT A PRETTY THING, AND DOESN’T FEEL GOOD EITHER
Image: Maggie Smith / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
The Buddha provided us with a doable, and easy solution for envy. It’s part of the “Four Immeasurables”: Love, Compassion, Joy, and Equanimity (composure). I guess that means that there is simply no measure of worth that you can ascribe to these four emotions. Here they are (out of order so I can talk about sympathetic joy last).
Love is defined in Buddhism as wanting other people to be happy. Love is unconditional. The enemy of love is conditional love—you want something back. The opposite of love is wanting others to suffer and be unhappy. That is anger and hatred, emotions all humans struggle with.
The definition of compassion is wanting others to be free from suffering. You want to help. The enemy of compassion is pity, which puts others down as lower or less than yourself, and dulls the impulse to help the other person.
Equanimity refers to having an even temper even if something or someone totally annoys you. You don’t distinguish between a friend, an enemy, or a stranger. Your state of mind is tranquil regardless of what is happening around you. Your head is not full of agitation. The enemy of equanimity is indifference. You don’t give a damn about anyone or anything, maybe even yourself. Indifference is a form or egotism. The opposite of equanimity is anxiety, stress, worry, and paranoia.
Sympathetic joy is being happy with someone else’s good fortune or happiness. The enemy of sympathetic joy is hypocrisy and affectation. And the opposite of sympathetic joy is jealousy and envy. I think that sympathetic joy is a really good place to start to get a grasp on the Four Immeasurables because it’s an emotion you can apply in a conscious manner. When you do, you recognize immediately the different impact of sympathetic joy and envy.
I’ll give you two examples of employing sympathetic joy in my own experience. I was practicing yoga with a woman who just started out (and I have been practicing for 12 years). There were many poses that she could do much better than I could—or probably ever can. It was really starting to annoy me. But then I thought of sympathetic joy for her. I told her, “You have real aptitude for yoga and your form is really beautiful.” I immediately felt better and actually felt joy for her.
Recently there have been two authors who have ripped up the bestseller charts with their books. They both had two books out, the first ones major bestsellers and then follow ups intended to capitalize on their tidal wave success. The first author’s first book I thought was one of the most enjoyable reads I’d experienced in years. I found her follow up book to be a dud, but it was selling briskly and getting rave reviews. The second author’s first book I found to be self-indulgent and self-congratulatory. I wouldn’t even buy her second book, and it galled me to see it reviewed by all the major players and to see her face plastered everywhere.
The envy didn’t feel good. So I started thinking about these authors as real people with dreams. They had worked hard and deserved to bask in their success. Both are worthy writers who will go on to contribute to the literary world. I started thinking positive thoughts about them, and the ugly envy dissipated. That is the power of sympathetic joy. And we all need to employ it daily even if just to creates a little joy in our own world.